somewhereINbetween

x the third

I am exactly one week behind in school. I don’t know how to catch up, even though I’ve had ample opportunity. I have this clear vision sometimes, of exactly who I want to be. But then I think, how could I possibly want to be that person if I am so unmotivated to change. Is change possible? Will I always be that person who is exactly one week behind?

It didn’t use to matter before university. I was smart enough to do an assignment hours before it was due, and motivated enough to finish it just on the deadline and still do well. But real life doesn’t work that way. And truth be told, I would hate it if it were that way. I believe in working your way to the top. I just don’t know if I have it in me to put up a good fight to reach the top. And I want so badly to be there, or at least I think I do. 

I just want to change. And I don’t really know how to. I have all the theory work done, I just need to put it into practice. But I am finding it overwhelmingly difficult.

x the second

I don’t feel like myself in my own skin. I hate it. And I don’t know how to change it. I cringe when I see pictures of what I am now. And I don’t recognize myself. In the mirror, I see what I used to look like before. Maybe that’s the problem. And then it happens, I see a picture. And I don’t know who it is. I hate, hate, hate it.

x the first

Ever have an epiphany personal revelation?

I think I had one, just minutes ago.

I want to be somewhere, in between reality and fantasy. I want to do something, in between gritty and glamour. I feel like I am always stuck between two roads. I feel like I’ve always been here, and I used to hate it. But now I think it’s kind of cool, to be no where in particular, and somewhere in between.

So here it is, another fresh start. A particularly public one.